One of my greatest pleasures has been working with people who have spinal cord injuries, primarily in daily or weekly wheelchair and seating clinics that I had run for a large number of years.

These were casual clinics where whitecoats and long clinical dissertations were banished but family members and caregivers were not. The clients included many people who I have known since they were first injured or for many years. They were patients, members, and of course friends.

I thought I would serialize some of the humor that I encountered there. The following are some outtakes from my conversations during the intake process. These are the comments that did not make it onto the patient record or onto the gatekeepers desk.

On Powered Wheelchairs & Mobility Scooters.

Setting: Clinic room with client, client’s sweet elderly wife, and an elderly female caregiver.
ME: It looks like you are having some trouble pushing your wheelchair. Are you able to get around OK? You know, get where you want to go without killing yourself or getting all tired out?
CLIENT:  (Pointing over shoulder at the ladies) Sure, she’s got plenty of miles left in her.
LADIES (Face to face with each other, with looks of amazement, and in unison) He must be talking about you!

Setting: Home of middle aged quadriplegic.
ME: Have you given any thought to switching to a powered wheelchair?
QUAD: No, it’s a coffin! Pushing a wheelchair is the only exercise I get.
ME: How far do you push each day?
QUAD:  Are you nuts! This damned chair is impossible to push.

Setting: Day room on a spinal cord injury unit with middle aged quadriplegic farmer.
QUADRIPLEGIC FARMER: I need one of those four wheel drive wheelchairs so I can run around the place and check on things.
ME: Not a bad idea but it won’t fit through the doorway into your house.
QUADRIPLEGIC FARMER: (With smug look on face) I thought that all out. I can transfer into my regular power wheelchair out on the porch and then there’s no problem.
ME: What type of wheelchair is that?
QUADRIPLEGIC FARMER: I don’t know? What can you get for me?

Setting: Home of pleasant elderly woman with multiple sclerosis and some ability to walk.
WOMAN: I think I could really do with one of those scooter things to help get me around the neighborhood.
ME: Right, but we will have to deal with those steps to your front door.
WOMAN: (With look of accomplishment and in upbeat tone) That’s not going to be a problem. I can leave the scooter outside and walk in and out of the house.
ME: Yes, but rain and snow might cause some problems with the scooter.
WOMEN: That won’t matter. I don’t go out in bad weather.

Setting: Clinic room with young female T-10 paraplegic.
YOUNG FEMALE: I really need an electric wheelchair.
ME: Well, I don’t know if they are going to go for it. You’re a healthy young para who has no trouble pushing a manual wheelchair.
YOUNG FEMALE: Yes, but I won’t be young forever.

Setting: Wheelchair clinic with a young streetwise male client. Several days after receiving his first power wheelchair.
ME: Hey, where is your new wheelchair?
STREETWISE MALE: That piece of crap!
ME: What’s wrong with the piece of crap?
STREETWISE MALE: Damn thing won’t work. I used it for a couple of days and now the &%$@ won’t work.
ME: Did you charge it up every night?
STREETWISE MALE: Do you think I’m stupid man! Damn near bust my &$@! ass reaching over to plug the charger into the @%!& chair.
ME: Did you plug the other end of the charger into an outlet.
STREETWISE MALE: Sh_t, nobody told me I had to do that.

Setting: Discussion with neophyte therapist at long term care facility.
ME: I really think Mr. Jones should have a powered wheelchair. It takes him almost two hours to push and drag himself to the clinic for his therapy and he is all tuckered out when he gets there.
NEOPHYTE THERAPIST: (Stated with authority) No, the exercise is good for him. It’s therapeutic.
ME: How does he do once he finally gets to the clinic?
NEOPHYTE THERAPIST: (Stated with authority and finality) Quite well. He sleeps then pushes back to his unit.

Setting: Home of aging paraplegic with decaying wheelchair skills. Wife is present in background.
ME: Maybe we need to consider a powered wheelchair for you. You know, let you get around better and give the Mrs. a break.
AGING PARA: (With resolve) No, she’s holding up fine and she takes a break two or three times a day. I see her in the kitchen having coffee and sneaking a smoke.

Setting: Clinic room with a spiffily dressed quadriplegic who is unable to push his manual wheelchair at all. Alongside of him is a male caregiver who does all of the pushing.
QUAD: (Stated emphatically) I don’t want a power wheelchair.
ME: Why not? You would be able to get around on your own when and where you wanted.
QUAD: (Stated with authority) They make you look disabled.